Give Up

I posted a video on Facebook last night, of my kids laughing hysterically and chasing one another around in the house. I watched it a couple times, my heart full of love; swelling with grace and gratitude and overwhelmed that I get to be their mama.

But, I also found myself criticizing the rip in the cushion on the already dirty chairs they were climbing all over. I squinted my eyes to see if the dirty floors and lack of and therefore need of baseboards {even though we've lived here for almost 5 years} was obvious. I shook my head at the wood that still needs cut and tacked to the wall that we've placed behind our "new" fireplace that was put there months ago.What will people think if they notice these things? Then I got to thinking, what they would think if they somehow saw a video of me yelling at Riley, annoyed with him, raising my voice and joining in on the fit I was trying to correct? What then? I'd be exposed. They'd see I don't have it all together. That sometimes I don't even get dressed until 4pm. That sometimes 

I just want to give up on all this.

Being the first of the month, and not just any month, but one in which I will give birth to my third baby, I found myself eager to chip away at my to-do list and pay bills and vacuum and clean. But it felt like every time I set my mind to accomplish something, I was distracted by a need; by Grace feeding the dog an entire bag of dog treats, by Riley "doctoring" the cat or by Jehovah Witnesses, eager at my front door, inviting me to their Easter celebration. I just sat down and wondered why I even do this, this mama business, day in and day out repeats of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and laundry.What's this walk, this ride all for? 

Is it worth it cause its hard? Is it worth it cause its just worth it in the end, of whether or not our children become who we've hoped and prayed they would become? No, its so much more than that...

This walk is a walk of faith and trust in Jesus. We are mothers because we are called by Jesus to daily lay our lives down for others, to sacrifice and to in turn deepen our love for and dependence on the Lord in our everyday living. 

But lets be honest....Sometimes you wanna give up. 

But you can't give up, because life keeps going and babies need to eat and laundry needs folded and children need a story and cuddles. It doesn't end. 

Life doesn't stop, so you keep going and going, and sometimes you wonder how you even ended up here? This life isn't at all what you expected....

But then again, life is so much MORE than you expected. Your heart explodes almost daily at the love you have for these little people that have the power to draw you to your knees or make you rage all at the same time.

You feel so guilty for giving in to the frustration that this all throws at you and lay in bed at night wishing you hadn't got so mad at the spilled milk, they're just kids.

Then the morning comes and your kids wake up with smiles, they eat the breakfast they asked for and it seems like you've made it through the entire day without anyone having a melt down, and the baby even took a two hour nap. Homemade biscuits are in the oven and everyone is in bed by 8. Life is perfect.

You begin to think you have it together, that maybe this mama business isn't so hard after all. Then you come to realize you're not, nor will you ever be, the perfect mom.

You look at your friends and wonder why they have it all together? What are you missing, doing all wrong?

But then your son holds your face between his little four year old hands and looks you in the eye and tells you, you're the best mama in the whole world, and he'll mean it.

Time goes on, and on, yet slips by so fast, you fail to remember the little details you swore you'd never forget.

But its the details in life that seem to drive you crazy sometimes and you realize you can't get to all the needs and check off the entire list without a little help. All you need is some help.

You're blessed because you do have help, God doesn't expect you to do this on your own.Whether its family, friends or neighbors, these people seem to come at just the right moment, bringing a box of diapers or dinner or a shoulder to cry on.

So you realize how much you need Jesus more than you ever have before, because even though these people are small, they can make you cry, make you laugh, make you scream, make you proud in just mere moments. 

And you realize at the end of everyday, that its those mere moments that you saw a glimpse of God's great love and grace and you find yourself in awe of Him and so you lay your exhausted, unwashed head down on your pillow, move the hidden hot wheel car from between the sheets and whisper a thanks at the chance to do this all over again tomorrow.

Being a mama, it is worth it. So, so worth it, but you can't even really begin to explain why, you just know, deep in your heart that this crazy, messy, heart wrenching life, is totally worth it.

So if you see that video, I beg you to forgive the undone projects and mess, and focus on the laughs of those kids that call me mommy and just know that I'm right along side all you other mothers out there, feeling their way through this calling and clinging to Jesus just so that we  

don't ever, ever give up.