Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Blue Colored Walls and New Years

The sun came out today. Just enough so that when I finally sat down at nap time, I could see the wall in the living room reveal its need for a good scrub and a fresh coat of paint. There's still a bit of blue crayon that Riley said he drew but couldn't remember the when or why of it and flecks of white peek through the "cafe taupe" making evidences of the play time and chaos that is my daily companion here in this home. I was supposed to paint that wall this year. So much needs to be done, so much to be accomplished.

And just like that the sun is gone.
As I go back and look on my resolutions and goals for 2013 and just how many of them I didn't actually finish, I'm not quite sure I'm ready for another year to start, or even for this one to end. I didn't paint the hall, didn't serve my community like I had aimed to, so much is left unchecked, untouched. I like the idea of a "fresh start" that the new year can bring, but when laundry and dirt and clutter fill my days how is there ever going to be any room for a fresh start? I'm tired at just the thought of what I would like to get done today, let alone all the things I'd like to accomplish this coming year.

I thought I might sit down today and make my goals for 2014, but with yesterday's failures nipping at my heals, I feel a little less than motivated to do so. Won't I just fail? Won't to-do lists remain unchecked well into the year? Won't life's curve balls get in the way of my plans? How is a list of goals even worth it to compose if composition is as far as I'll get on most of them?

The Lord is good to give us seasons. Fresh starts, new beginnings.  I can sit here and wish I had done more, done differently, but I have to move forward; push through this new beginning with arms full of babies and laundry and blue colored walls. When I wake up to greet 2014 tomorrow, and see the dust that lays quietly on furniture and unorganized closets bulging and old sticky banana clinging to crevices in the high chair, I'll just smile and nod at what I'd like to accomplish in this year. Some of it will get done, some of it will be left untouched.

This year, in 2014, my goal is to move forward through this beginning, to draw nearer to Jesus and to simply put more of Him in my life and less of me. Its the me that cares about appearances, clean walls and petty things, its Jesus who cares about hearts and people. No one ever came to know God's love because of organization and crisp paint.

And its not to say that I wont or don't care about organizing my home this year, or eating healthier or getting more exercise. Its just that sometimes those goals get so much in the way of me really ministering to those around me that I lose sight of what's important.

 SO this year, 2014, I'd like to set some different goals:

I want to love my husband more. People are so annoying. And when you live with them 24/7, they're a whole different kind of annoying. They rub raw nerves and cause you to roll your eyes and exhale loudly just so they know you're not too happy with them. But God didn't create marriage to be easy or yippy skippy. He created it to draw me towards holiness. Its Tyler's "issues" that bring out the false gods, pride and sin in my own life. I've got to start looking at my "marriage mirror" a little more closely and see that the reflection frowning back at me is my own need to be more like Jesus, not my spouse's.

I want to be more mindful at sharing Jesus with my children through my actions. Not let my to-do lists and cleaning and doing, draw me away from loving them. Sometimes I get so caught up in getting all the housework done, that I easily snap in frustration at Grace for announcing "I dump it" when she pours the bucket of fake food out that I had just put away or when Riley continually begs me to play with him rather than wash the dishes.

I want to be less focused on what I need to do and get done so that I might actually see and meet a need in someone else. Perhaps its the little old lady at Wal-mart that wants to oooh and awe over Grace and tell me about her 7 children and carry on a conversation when I "really should be getting home and feeding these kids wholesome foods and putting them down for nap promptly at one" because heaven forbid we get off schedule...

and lastly, but most pressing...

I want to walk closer to God.  I don't pray enough and I don't read my Bible enough.  I set all these goals in my heart to be more like Jesus all the while equipping myself to do so with a haphazard mumble of a prayer and an inconsistent Bible reading routine with the excuse of being a "busy mother" tied to my belt. I've got to dig a little deeper if I'm going to get to where I want to go. I know God is full of mercy and grace, and praise Him for that, but sometimes I've got to be a little more real with myself and admit that if I'm going to expect big things from a big God, then I've got to make Him a bigger part of my life.

So there ya go. There are my goals for 2014. Just 4 things this year, and that's plenty.

HAPPY, happy New Year.

1 comment: