Winter

I haven't blogged in so long.

I have so much going on, homeschooling, teaching preschool out of my home once a week, we joined a home-school co-op, I lead Bible Study, I have three kids and one on the way, my Husband works hard so I wanna work hard too right alongside him, and the list goes on.

But everyone gets busy. 

I also feel like this type of "writing" might be a little prideful and come across as arrogant. I often write about parenting and so I guess I fear that I'm giving off this impression that I think I have tons of wisdom to offer other moms and that I've somehow figured all this out. {I haven't}

But everyone has room to grow. 

The truth is, I haven't sat down to write out my messy thoughts and feelings, it usually is very healing for me and a way I find the Lord drawing me closer to Himself, because I've found myself in a "wintery" sort of season in life...

{I can honestly say, I'm not depressed, unable to get up out of bed or resentful of things I've once loved, but those are valid and do often happen and I encourage women to take their feelings to Jesus and be willing to get some help if you think you are depressed of any kind} 

 No, I'm more "heavy" {and not just in my physical weight}

Heavy in my heart. So much is swirling about me, needing me, pushing me, pulling me and I'm tired.

Presidential elections loom. Isis kills and destroys. Children still starving in this world, while my own, whine and fuss at the smell of home-cooked food I'm spending my time to prepare for them to eat. Kids track mud in on a clean floor. There's 7 loads of laundry to be folded. There's budgets to stick too if we're gunna pay off this debt. There's volunteering to be done. I am 3 days behind in my Bible reading. I haven't showered, worked out or brushed my teeth today and its 9pm. The house is "clean" but needs painted and scrubbed and the windows have summer's hand prints on them still. The dogs needs more food, but that envelope {thanks Dave Ramsey} of money is gone til pay day. The house has all 1000 toys in the living room and people are about to come over. The kids are sick, coughing, fever and up all hours of the night. I'm not sure when I mopped last. I'm feeding my family processed foods out of convenience but we're trying to be healthier. I have friends I haven't invested in in a while. People are hurting and need some encouragement. New babies have been born and need proper welcoming and gifts and meals delivered. I've snapped at my kids more than I care to admit today. Grandparents are aging. I'm desperate to be relieved from all this.

I want rest and yet I spend my days running on an invisible treadmill that never stops. If only I could stick to my house cleaning routine. If only I could be better at healthy meal plans. If only I could have more time with Jesus to prepare myself for the daily battle. If only I could stay on top of the laundry. If only I could have more patience when my kids don't listen to me and refuse to do what I ask, even after asking 8 times, "in a kind voice". If only....

So night after night, it seems I fall into bed saying to myself that God has new mercies for me in the morning. So I silently and prayerfully vow to do better, be better, tomorrow and fall asleep....then comes the next day.

When do those new mercies run out? And is it bed time yet? Because its only 8am and I've already lost it after the milk got poured on the floor while I finished making the lunch my husband came around the corner to announce he doesn't need today. Awesome.

This following Jesus thing, isn't easy. 

But, He didn't say it would be either. When I read the Bible it seems like the people out on the mission field or the ones experiencing true persecution, were gunna be the ones that would be hit hard, not the mommies in yoga pants and messy buns.

I live on my own mission field though, of witnessing to my children and myself. Trying to raise little ones to live for Jesus while I shame His name in my own sinfulness right there in front of them on a daily basis. How can they take me seriously when I say they should ask Jesus for help when they're mad, but turn around and yell when I am? How can they believe me when I say God always and fully loves them, but when they mess up, their own mother seems more disappointed than loving in that moment?

I sense that I long for my days to have ease, speed and comfort. I want my children to easily obey me. I want the laundry and dishes and cooking and cleaning and shopping to be done quickly and I want to stay comfortable, nice clothes, fit body, good hair...you get the idea.

"Be patient, therefore, brothers,until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient about it, until it receives the early and the late rains. 8 You also, be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand. 9 Do not grumble against one another...." James 5:7-9

I think the Lord cares a lot less about my life being easy, quick and comfy and desires it to be more marked by patience, dang it.

Its why He lovingly allows for the dryer to unexpectedly break, for kids to ride your last nerve, for headaches to linger, for barking dogs to wake up sleeping children, for friends to hurt your feelings, for spouses to let you down...because its in those moments we can gain enduring patience, or flip out that we were imposed on, how dare them.

Its enduring patience and joy and faith in Jesus that I want to be marked by, but a short fuse is more my anthem. 

Patience is what shapes and brings us into a deeper faith and trust of Jesus, but I thrash around and fight it so hard.

I don't want to endure, fight, and work hard, in tough, patient testing moments, to get to where I'm going, I just wanna be there and be done. And these last few months, I think I've just given up and gone into survival mode, excusing my impatience and throwing a tiny pity party in my head.

If I calm down and quit trying to run away from the difficult, its Jesus who will establish my heart in patience. While I have so far to go, I'm feeling a bit renewed in my daily grind of slow days and fast years, and that all this struggle is inviting me into a life marked a faith that can patiently wait for Jesus. Wait for Jesus to steer children's hearts to obey, wait for Jesus to give me the humility to wipe up spilled milk with a smile, wait for Jesus to give me the endurance to fold 7 loads of laundry, wait for Jesus to make a way for the dryer to get fixed, wait for Jesus to heal sick and grumpy children and eventually, praise The Lord, wait for Jesus to come, Lord Jesus, come and ultimately, forever, rescue me from my "winter".

_Aubrey_