Grove baby number 3, "Lilo" as we call 'em around here has given us a bit of a scare this pregnancy go round. I started bleeding suddenly August 25th, just 6 weeks along and we rushed to the ER. Heart in my throat, I feared the worst. Praise be to the Lord, baby's heartbeat, growth and location was good. But I have a "subchorionic hemorrhage". I was told this could cause issues and dangers down the road or it could heal on its own and never be an issue. But I'm at higher risk for miscarriage and that I just needed to wait and see. "Wait and see"; a lot easier said than done. "Wait and fear" is more like it. I've watched a few women close to me endure that wretched pain of losing a baby and I'm scared to death of it honestly. But in the quiet of our prayers and petitions to Jesus, I heard Him asking me to trust Him, to lay it all at His feet.
So, so hard to do. Something I've come to realize is that I really don't know how truly trust Him. Especially with the lives of my children. I want to, I want to lay them at His feet, its the best place for them. But I like the facade of control I think I have. The thing is, nothing I do will add a day of life to these baby's. I need the Lord, to get me through the good and the bad. I've taken so much for granted. While I plead for this baby to be ok, this pregnancy to go well; I'm weirdly glad the Lord is using this experience to show me just how much work I need on myself, my walk with God.
I've failed to trust. I've failed to realize my blessings. And, unfortunately along the way I may have hurt the heart of a woman who's pain is deep. So this letter is for you.....
Dear Sweet Mama,
The one who said goodbye before they even said hello.
The one who never held their treasure, full of life.
The one who wanted so badly for different news, different outcomes.
The one who would gladly take that morning sickness.
The one who would welcome the normal aches and pains of bearing a child, alive.
The one who was full of constant fear until those fears came to life.
The one who, month after month, only sees one blue line, longing for two.
The one who remains on that waiting list, day after day, month after month. Waiting, pleading to be matched with their baby.
The one who has ever lost a child. Your hand on their casket seems so backward, shouldn't they have been burying you?
But mostly to, The one who trusts Jesus, despite all this....
Sorry for complaining to you that my back hurts. Sorry I rolled my eyes at these stretch marks; undaunted by potions and lotions. Sorry I yawned at little sleep, due to aerobics and dances, midnight parties of the baby full of life, full of kicks. Sorry I failed to see what I really have. I'm sorry I didn't see how these are all blessings in disguise. Sorry it took me to the point of almost losing a baby of my own to see all this.
The Lord, in His intricate work, truly knits, truly forms these babes deep inside and how blessed I am. How blessed we are. He's ordered these days for these babes, but in the midst of dirty diapers, calendars and to-dos, I've missed seeing the blessing of each additional day I'm given with them.
Thank you, thank you. Thanks for showing me how to trust the Lord despite the darkness, the fear. Thanks for paving the road and showing me how to truly lay my children at His feet. Thank you for showing me I can't control anything. Thank you for showing me how to lean, not on my understanding, but on the sovereign plans of Jesus. Thank you for challenging me to be thankful for each day, no matter how hard, how exhausting.
I'm gunna go on ahead and with each moment, each bit of fear that creeps in, I'm going to choose to be thankful and lay it at His feet. You lay down your broken heart and I'm gunna lay down my fear. Because being a mother is a heart-aching blessing and God never asked us to do it alone.